Southwest, the gift that keeps on giving, an objective review of new boarding procedures.

My commute has ended, my wife and I have found a family to rent our home in suburban Lutz, we then rented a home with purple carpet in Plantation only 20 minutes from my office. It is wonderful. Periodic updates will follow, for now, an ode to the airline which made the last two years of my life a fiscal reality.


Oh Southwest, thou art more affordable than driving; more punctual (usually) than my family; and more profitable thanks to hedging against higher oil prices in the 1990's. Now you allow me, the traveler, to remain comfortably seated until it is time to board. "So," you say, "why should this matter," "hasn't it always been this way?" Everyone who has flown Southwest during the past decade knows about the line-up. I know this is a little late considering that Southwest changed their boarding policies many moons ago, but I still see people completely confounded by the process. It is not that complex but I often overhear complaints with regard to the confusion felt by those incapable of following instructions. The complaints regarding the new boarding process fall into three categories. They describe themselves as follows:

1. I am an idiot who is far too stupid to grasp the idea that I have been assigned a letter and a number and will be expected to stand in numerical order, nor can I be expected to listen when the gate agent explains over and over again to stand underneath the sign which encompasses the number on my boarding pass.


2. I am angry that arriving 2 hours before my flight and standing on line for an hour does not guarantee that I will be seated in the first aisle seat at the very front of the plane, and I am angry that people who have paid more for their ticket (Business Select) and people who fly 32 one way flights a year (A-Listers) will be entitled to the first 20 boarding spots, regardless of when they check in. It is unheard of that frequent customers and people who spend money on more expensive tickets should receive some special treatment.


and, 3. I hate change, despite obvious progress.


My own opinion regarding anyone unhappy with the changes in the boarding process is that they are stupid and likely to be Republican. Any perks I had with Southwest will likely disappear now that my regular Monday and Thurday flights are a memory, but I will not complain about my late boarding status, rather I will be thankful for not standing in line. Another change is that parents traveling with kids can't pre-board (but will board between the A and B groups unless they have an A pass in which case they board in their appropriate numeric position).


P.S. Did everyone see Chris Matthews berate this right wing tool.

Standing online with the E-list...

As I previously wrote, I love Southwest Airlines, (see first post ever). I still dutifully stand in line every Monday morning and Thursday hoping for an aisle seat near the front of the plane. This past Thursday night while waiting to board my trip home I was starstruck. Two "famous" people got off the Southwest plane in Ft. Lauderdale. Go ahead and guess who I saw. Fine, I'll tell you. Rachel and Veronica from MTV's Real World/ Road Rules/ Gauntlet/ Duel/ Octagon of Doom/ Bitchfest/ Slapfight. I thought I recognized Rachel and then when I saw her with Veronica (pic) my "celebrity" sighting was confirmed. Rachel is shorter than I expected. Veronica is as short as she looks on television.

I didn't say anything or ask for any autographs recalling how my wife had tossed the autograph of The Amazing Race 2's Danny I had worked so hard to procure. Instead, I sat back and reflected on the appeal of Southwest Airlines and my own political leanings. SWA has no first class, there is no business class. The earlier you make your reservation, the cheaper your ticket is. The earlier you check-in (during the 24 hour period before your flight) , the greater the likelihood of obtaining the seat of your choice (possibly between Rachel and Veronica, we all remember the shower scene with Abe). Southwest is the people's plane. They keep it nice because you cannot fly if you smell or are too drunk, they also make you buy an extra seat if you're so fat that you spill into the seat next to you. I know this because I've seen all of these scenarios on Airline.

I guess I'm just happy to see that people like Veronica and Rachel are not too good to fly on Southwest. None of us are. I was also pleased to learn that Rachel and Veronica are traveling the lecture circuit. When I saw them, they were returning from St. Louis where they had just delivered a speech about body image. I'm not sure why they're qualified but apparently there is some pressure from MTV for the people on these shows to be skinny.

In all, this is just another tribute to SWA and their recruitment of E-list celebrities to make me feel like I'm flying a full-cost carrier. Kudos SWA. I now have only one complaint. Please make a ruling on the following certified query:

"When sitting in a row of seats near the 'A' line starting funnel are you
considered to be 'on line,' or, must one be standing 'on line.'
Furthermore, may someone use baggage to hold a place anywhere 'on line.'

On several occasions I have seen grown suited men approach fisticuffs at 7:00 AM Monday morning when a gentleman thinks he is approaching the end of the line, only to have a seated aggressor remark that the line includes his row of seats. I have never seen an SWA employee intervene in this type of struggle. Occasionally I have seen them say that someone could not leave their bag in line but I think it had more to do with the seated person's proximity to their carry-on than any kind of line etiquette. And I suppose that's what it comes down to really, we need a standard etiquette for the SWA boarding line. Here is my one and only suggestion and the simplistic reasoning behind it.

From this day forward, no person shall be deemed "in line," whether it be
A, B, or the dreaded middle seat C, without standing in their place "in
line."

Simple and to the point. If you want to be first and stand there for forty minutes, go ahead. If you would rather sit and relax, so be it. Feel confident that your "A" pass guarantees you an aisle or window. I base this rule on the truism that in no other situation can a healthy adult (preboarders have their own rules) sit somewhere near a line and retain the benefits of standing in said line, e.g., the grocery store or the post office or Disneyworld or The Wiener's Circle. I love The Wiener's Circle (don't order anything with cheese). All I ask is that we get an edict from on high. Someone at SWA needs to step up before a commuter gets hurt in the lawlessness of gate 32. Can a friend hold your place "in line?" When is it appropriate to throw a punch? If you see the same people every Monday, should you say something like, "Don't I see you every Monday?" We could all use another friend. Which reminds me, if you actually did harbor dreams of being between Veronica and Rachel, they are looking for a new friend.

Sorry it took so long to post.